Frayed Heartbeat

You'll Give What You'll Get/You'll Get What You'll Give

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 16:51:28 GMT

So exams are long over and the after exam events fly past one after another. Post school life has been a blur and yet it is regrettable that he has, due to the lack of time allocated to each individual (which he thinks is a horrid excuse but shall use it for he cannot think of any other at the moment), not been able to spend as much time with his old friends as he would have liked. But then again, life has been most blissful and the bountiful blessings he has received the past weeks cannot be replicated under any other circumstances, of which he shall reveal in the near future.

But of most pressing importance is the very issue which has brought him here to the much neglected virtual paper (certainly would have grown mould had it been in real life he suppose), which is the examination of the conflict with regards to the issue of "You'll Give What You'll Get vs You'll Get What You'll Give". Firstly, in exploring this question, the scope shall be defined by him as the dissection of thoughts of whether the end product matters more to the human than the journey (Yes he knows the title not seems like it is probably an over complicated bull-crap but just bear with it).

-You'll Give What You'll Get
In our modern world, society believes that the product should be the priority of every individual who is worthy of being called a member of a superior order. Picture this, the goal of the pre-schooler is to get ten out of ten for his spelling test, the goal of the primary school student is to get into the top secondary school, the goal of the secondary school student is to get into the top junior college, the goal of the junior college student is to get a scholarship at a prestigious university, the goal of the university student is to get his doctorate and land a job that would ultimately lead him to the mile high club and the post of executive/director/president and what not. And mind you, this is only in the scholastic arena. One might argue that other aspects of society may differ from this trend but he begs to differ as the sportsman aims to achieve his world records, the business man his millions and his position on Forbes list of the wealthiest individuals and the parents, well in Singaporean context it's the ability to get a home 1 kilometre from the most prestigious school so that their child may join this established institution and reap the supposed rewards in the years to come. No doubt he sees the logic in all these, after all, would life be further enhanced and potentials stretched if such undertakings do not occur? Hence this result driven orientation of society is not totally unfounded and it can be seen why such ideals are embraced by many.

-You'll Get What You Give
It seems to him that in the mad rush for excellence as emphasized by modern society, many of the finer aspects of living are slowly being forgotten like ancient artifacts left underground in the depths of the earth. For example, when was the last time we observed work as a opportunity to develop new skills and gain new experiences in life, and not just another method of advancing one's career, leading the high life or increasing social prestige? The joys of living day to day have been forgotten and replaced by the pressures placed by an individual upon themselves (the author himself is guilty of this system and hence he shall attest that he has the right to comment on it). Hence, the author is very thankful to his mother to a large extent as she has allowed him to live an alternative lifestyle that contradicts that of some of his closest friends greatly. To his mother, the journey and the experiences gained along the way is much more important than the final product (as long as the choice of path is morally acceptable and the author is one day able to stand before God and attest that he has lived his life to the fullest and best of his abilities). Therefore, this has allowed the author to gain many new insights and see new things that cannot be replaced by any other and contributes to character development. Thus, living each day becomes rather enjoyable and each new problem encountered is not something that is a hindrance, but one to be embraced (yes he realizes that this doesn't always work and sometimes he conforms to the ways of the world, but he tries). Thus, life unfolds many new surprises due to this willingness to give all and expect nothing but whatever the journey provides.

-Further Thoughts
It is rather sad to observe how, due to the focus on the end result, society shuns those who are deemed to be less worthy of attention due to their inability to perform in scholastic aspects, when they have probably already given their all. Which is more worthy of respect to their fellow human beings? The high flying CEO (who has inherited family fortunes) giving 1% of his effort or the used goods collection man who (for his whole life) gives 100%, bearing in mind that both achieve the same result. While it is easy to proclaim at this juncture that of course we would respect the man who gives a 100% more than the former, our actions in real life speak otherwise and our judgmental glances usually weigh upon these individuals more heavily than we could ever imagine. Don't believe him, just take a random survey of how many people who would rather hang out with their well to do peers in the higher social circles than spend time talking to some less well to do neighbour.

-Verse for the Day
Ultimately, it is important to remember one thing, as seen in Luke 12:48 (To whom much is given, much is expected), what ultimately counts in the end times in not how much you achieved, but how much of your potential you have used. Thus, all he can say is, enjoy the process of living and gain new skills, then use it and further give your all, not looking at the end result as your ultimate goal, but the usage of your skills for the furtherance of God's kingdom as the focus.

If this post seems rather disjointed, do pardon the author as he is currently half asleep.

P.s, the author just thought of an analogy to describe this debate, using a twist to a very commonly used story to describe the females (sorry ladies). Two ladies took this elevator, and each elevator, there was a man, and as each level increased, the man got better and better in terms of looks and credibility. Now at the end of it all, the ladies faced a sign that said "this is the last level and it proves that woman can never be satisfied with man". Well, the woman who live by the first rule would have focused on the end result would have rushed through the various floors in an attempt to reach the ultimate alpha male, while the females who follow the second who have slowly enjoyed the experiences at each level, so guess who benefits more?

To Gerald

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 16:26:44 GMT

Goodbye Gerald, though it's only been a few months since i known you, it still came as a shock to me when i learnt that it was you after all. It must have been a horrible way to go. My only hope that it was the least painful of all the things that could happen down under. Thank you for all the times you sent our gear over and made extra trips to change or pick up stuff. It was nice getting to know while it lasted. And yes i still remember how you cheekily drove at me and high beamed me at the Outram sec slope. It's sad that you didn't manage to do what you wanted, but that's life i guess.

R.I.P Gerald Chia a.k.a the guy who always sends our dive gear

Headstrong, take on anyone

Sun, 13 Sep 2009 16:28:19 GMT

They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, and so I shall not grow weary but rest in him as the hours tick by. I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

It's all about the odds

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 18:08:41 GMT

Okay add another person on the list of people who expect me to get all A1/7 points for my exams. Pressure pressure. And i just realized that for the second examination in a row, a public holiday falls within my examination period.

Life is so coincidental, well to be more specific life in Singapore. A few days after realizing that i know one of Regs brother's friend, I am enlightened that Mei Shan, my sis and my cousin had the same dance instructor in the same dance centre. Life never fails to amuse you, and play the occasional amusing joke on you such as having the dive shop's residential cat excrete a massive pile of crap that is wet, fly infested and i don't know what else to say, just a few minutes before you close the shop. Not cool for sure. Life in the shop is mostly mundane, with time spent looking at the endless notes, talking to Reg, or having customers walk in all at once (somehow they just come together, i have no idea why).

So today marks my last day of studying before i lay myself before the wonderful daggers fly out of the papers placed before me. I can so feel the pain already. On a much brighter note, i shall persevere and not die. Thou shalt survive and enjoy the moments left this day. Prelims can kiss my...i mean er...can just disappear.

So Let the Rain Fall for the Beauty in Life

Fri, 11 Sep 2009 14:59:08 GMT

Preliminaries start in 3 days as time slowly ticks away once again. There's always this nagging doubt if you have done enough to do that much better this time but somehow you just can't get the mood at times. One has to realize that there is a really high expectation of you, you gotta pull yourself out from the pits and onto centre stage in order to justify the taxpayers money spent on your education the past four years of your life as well as meet the goals set forth by those around you.

The week has flown by and the cards are laid out once again. 3 major tests, 2 months, 1 chance. Somehow one wonders if that fighting spirit has died a little over the years after all the constant pressure and setbacks. Then again it's was the choices made somewhere up in that mass called a brain, and it would be your story to finish. Live life with no regrets, press on.

Faith, a really wonderful word indeed. You just need to believe and let him take control over this time. You push so hard at times you end up missing out on the brighter things in life. The past week has been really wonderful alright, just relearning whatever was once thought lost. We're not perfect, but i like it just the way it is.

Sometimes I feel bad for screwing up the lives of others around me. Yeah that bluntness and all can cut through people really quick alright. But it was never the intention...

This largely incoherent post is the result of random thoughts flowing through whatever is not used to process information on little molecules that make up the universe and the rise to power of various eccentric individuals.

[Taking my flight into the summer night, leaving the fears behind]

Random

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 16:57:46 GMT

My brain is dead but Reg wants an update. So here is my blanked out post. Haha *splat*

[Today's a good day, wait that's been the case for a few days now =)]

Day two

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 17:29:46 GMT

Do you believe in fate? Is it really possible God?

Splits

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 17:09:24 GMT

I almost got ran over by a bus today after having to swerve right to avoid a taxi which had suddenly cut in front of me, only to have a damn twin cabin bus cut in from right and try to squeeze me, all the way back into the small ditch which runs along the sides of roads. These incidents with taxi drivers make me wonder what runs through their heads at times. Yes i know you are trying to make a living, but is that few bucks worth more than a life? And mister bus driver, aren't you supposed to check your blind spots before you turn? I'm learning to drive now and i get scolded every time i don't so what say you? Sure you could claim that we cyclists have no right to be on the road, but then again, do you own the roads? Which brings another random thought, if we don't belong on the road, and neither do we belong to the sidewalks [the supposed domain of the pedestrians], where the heck do we belong then? Clean and green can be packed in a box and shipped by Federal Express to hell then, this road environment ain't building that sort of culture for sure, cause either people get scared shitless they don't dare to ride on the road again, or they get killed over time. And knowing typical Asian parents when people start dying do you think their lil ones will be allowed on the road? In your dreams maybe.

Sidetracking now, it always seems that i initiate conversations with you. Makes me wonder, if i did get into an accident this afternoon, would you know? Would you care? Or would life go on like nothing happened. Maybe I'm just getting my hopes too high.

Fleeting thoughts

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 14:25:13 GMT

Today a curious little thought past my mind. Perhaps one of the great ironies in life is that girls choose those guys who are wild and "cool" in the eyes of the world, shunning the nice ones as plain, boring and totally uncool, yet when their hearts get broken, they label man as heartless bastards. So who's to blame then?

It's like a lil game of russian roulette lock stock and barreled

Flash

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 16:04:14 GMT

He sits there, thinking about the days past, the endless hours spent looking at words, words and more words, saturating his mind till he just sits, and stares into the darkness that surrounds him. It's tough when the papers that come as a clean sheet and leave with well, clean parts. A lil here, a lil there doesn't really accumulate to a lot in the end. But he still has to press on, and strive harder, to prove to himself that he isn't a quitter, to just make those that believe so much in him be proud, to say that he has done his best. Sometimes he wonders if he is doing it for the right reasons, but whatever it is, there is only four months to go for him. His mind is tired, tormented by the endless amount of negativity surrounding his work. Had he not given his all, is he coming to the end of his cycle. The thoughts continue flying by as his fingers fly.

Conversations with a few individuals flood his mind now. He is thinking of his training buddy, a man built by the school of hard knocks in life, and another, who lost so much, yet moved on, fought on with life. He tells himself, these are the guys that he should follow the footsteps of, to press on regardless of the hardship that face you. After all he tells himself, pain is temporary, quitting is forever. At the same time he thinks of the bonds that he has formed with them over the past few months. Though the time spent with them is short, he knows that they mean something special to him. They are more than just friends, they are his buddies, his confidants, his motivators, his role models, and so much more. Age aside, their characters differ, yet they can understand what the other is like, value his opinions, and learn from him.

And now his thoughts jump to that of a lil lady he met. Sweet in nature, silent yet observant, quiet yet strong willed, with a mind of her own that works, and a heart that puts others before herself. The paths of life have crossed them, they talk frequently, yet the question is...can he win the game ultimately. There are nights when he wishes for her to be his, yet he knows he must play his cards right, slowly slowly letting the game run, until a point where he can show the hand he has kept. Yet, he wonders when is the right time, would he be able to see it correctly, or would he lose the game by either showing it too early or too late. To him now, she is someone he wouldn't mind spending his life with it all sails smoothly. Maybe it's just a fantasy of sorts. Yeah...a surreal dream, or a haunting nightmare

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 16:46:39 GMT

As the days pass by and depression kicks in, you really start to wonder what your living for

Livin On a Prayer

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 17:18:43 GMT

On a Dark ~~Desert~~ City Highway, Cool Wind in My Hair...
As the sound of the cars disappear into thin air, the streets become empty, and i alone occupy it, even if it is just for the moment. Fresh air hits me and i greedily suck in in, wondering when i would feel such euphoria again. This escape or forage into delusion, whichever one would want to call it has brought much peace to a mind in torment alright. Thank God for nature. To be or not to be, that is the question, but the decision still lies with oneself.

Shotgun

Sun, 17 May 2009 17:28:15 GMT

Live fast, die young. Time's ticking away as i juggle between work and diving, and then yet more work and studying for diving. The molehill never disappears, the stress never ceases. This is life i guess.

Weekend oh Weekend

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 14:02:04 GMT

So the weekend is finally here. Spent yesterday afternoon at Upper Seletar Reservoir kayaking as part of the annual kayaking expedition preparation and trials. Had to pair up with one of the kids as there were uneven numbers. Pretty good workout i must say. I am officially very unfit and out of touch with sports. Mhm. Went down to A's house after that to settle some of the vocal parts for the comp. Hopefully everything will fall into place by next week. Remained knocked out till two in the afternoon where the rain coincided with the time for me to go to church. Zonal bonding was pretty good and it was really great to just play the variety of games and witness people laughing so hard till they cried. Anyways it's back to work and whatever not.

Worklist update:
~~-TOK Presentation~~ [2nd Draft]
~~-TOK 4th Consultation essay~~
-World Literature 1 Essay
~~-World Literature 2 Essay~~
-King Lear Extract 18
-Extended Essay 2nd Draft
-Math Portfolio
~~-Math Test~~
-Geography Internal Assessment
-History Internal Assessment Draft 2

Light At the End of the Tunnel

Mon, 02 Mar 2009 11:52:03 GMT

The workloads piling, the clock is ticking and life just seems to fly by ever so quickly. On the bright side, I'm making slow improvements in my grades that would hopefully stay for the rest of the year. Can't wait for the holidays to be here so i can take a much needed breather, going where i love[sea], doing what i love [diving and sailing] and just plain soaking in the sunshine without having to worry about datelines. But before that there comes the still massive pile of projects:

-TOK Presentation
-TOK 4th Consultation essay
-World Literature 1 Essay
-World Literature 2 Essay
-King Lear Extract 18
-Extended Essay 2nd Draft
-Math Portfolio
-Math Test
-Geography Internal Assessment
-History Internal Assessment Draft 2

Oh great....

Random

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 15:58:32 GMT

Cross country and sailing do not mix. Yup

[I am such a screwed up kid]

The End

Sun, 22 Feb 2009 17:20:36 GMT

BAng is officially a rescue diver, a very banged up one at that. Yes. Many thoughts have swam through his head this very day. It's most amusing indeed what he wishes to do and what he is getting himself into. He has desires which puts him on a road of conflict with mummy which he shall try to avoid. He is officially so zonked out that he refers to himself in freaking third person.

He know needs sleep urgently, as well as save money to support his quest to teach people in this line. Someday.

Rushed

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 12:40:47 GMT

The past week has been quite a blur once again. Theory lesson was the first time i had to study for a dive test once again. Of course i felt pretty tired out by the time i got there after a long day at school. Oh wells. Wednesday was pretty short as there was no sailing training in the end. Thursday was another long day at school before my pool dive session. The filter pump broke so the water was kinda cloudy, couldn't see much beyond a couple of metres which made me feel like i was out at sea once again. I guess everything went pretty well and i did enjoy myself though i was totally knocked out by then. Spent friday at home after popping two pills and heading back to sleep. Then went for training in the afternoon. Sailed with Jackson and the wind was pretty good, so we ended up speeding around in the 420 which was quite a kick, though somehow in the process i made my second finger bleed. And then there's today, where i went to Hantu for rescue scenarios in open water. It was quite hilarious looking at us newbies trying to get things done as Rafi was being mean, practically clambering over the people who were trying to help him in the water. If i wasn't involved in the exercise i guess i would probably be in stitches. Studying at the library now but the moods not there. Oh wells. More scenarios tomorrow. Wanna get my divemaster cert sometime this year but i guess im gonna have to save up first. Sigh.

Crossroads and Horizons

Sun, 15 Feb 2009 12:31:43 GMT

Finally it's all over, at least one part of it. The performance went okay i guess, though i personally felt that it could have gone alot better considering what we managed to do during the rehearsals. Sigh. Never mind I'm just thankful i had the opportunity to do it and just play with the rest from crossroads and horizons. Next stop, getting out the originals and making sure we can play them before 17th March for the competition. And not to forget the pile of work i have to finish at the same time. The life of a student OO

Blabber

Tue, 10 Feb 2009 07:18:40 GMT

It's been one hell of a week since last Friday. CCA orientation far followed by sailing, then went to Arun's place to party the night of way. Rock band, booze and random screwing around, dumping cake into his face [the cake was damn good], indian brigade who provided comic relief, chin chasing JT outside the house ad making a ruckus, Arun whacking the neighbor's car and setting the alarm off, chin so whacked up he stood in his own puke Things don't get more amusing than that. Went off late the next day, rushing down to rehearsals for this saturdays event. Things went pretty nicely i guess. Sunday saw me visiting my aunt's place and having awesome food and singing sessions and finally yesterday was another round of rehearsals and a very weird moment. Oh wells. If this sounds incoherent don't mind me cause my head is totally fried with this fever.

Unbound

Mon, 02 Feb 2009 16:48:34 GMT

Chem test today just made me realized how screwed i am for it OO. And i forgot to bring my history textbook home, so if Alvin Tan calls me tomorrow to present the outline i am so freaking dead. Big time. Can't wait for wednesday, thursday and friday after school activities. Time flies so fast, we're all turning eighteen already, and in ten months, the final chapter of this high school journey shall close and we'll go our separate ways. The urgency to make the fullest use of time we have left seems to kick in more strongly as each second fades away. After all, we wouldn't wanna one day look back and realize we wasted our youth away would we. The young and the free, the old and the restless at heart, what separates them is the time to do what one wants. Somehow that ability slips away until we're near our dying day, by which we would have almost certainly been stripped away of our zeal for life. Shrugs

[There's nothing here to take for granted, with each breath that we take, the hand of time strip youth from our body]

Rewind

Thu, 29 Jan 2009 15:59:19 GMT

Chinese new year is over, and so is the little break that comes along with it. Most happy with being able meet up with all my cousins and jam with ek and tzup. School's rather draining as usual and i just realized i have to see Thiru tomorrow, hence i have to get my world lit outlines before she wrenches my neck or gives me a shelling, not good either ways. P.E made me realize how unfit I've become, interval training practically sucked the life out of me. And 4.16 celebrated cow's and amos' birthday today too. Pretty fun hanging out with them once again. Haha. Miss those days.

[Mr Djay won't you keep the music up]

Sabrina, SIs, Crystal, Me, Sharleen

Cousins

YiBin and Cex

Birthday Boys

Feeling Cheena

Sat, 24 Jan 2009 17:01:32 GMT

Finally, the dreaded SAT's is over. It went pretty well i guess, considering i hardly had the time to mug the many books that people usually would. Shrugs. Anyways went out with some church friends to chinatown tonight. It was packed but we had fun...kinda. Haha.

Funny German Sausage Dude Stall

Sheena Kenneth Charmaine

Charmaine Sheena

Lazy people sitting in the middle of the mrt station

[If life is a bed of roses, i'd be screwed, cause they have thorns OO]

Oh My Lord

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 14:24:00 GMT

The fever is being a pain by appearing/disappearing/appearing/disappearing. And SAT's is tomorrow, I'm so doomed for it. And now my EE mentor wants his abstract out by tomorrow evening too, so in addition to burning my brains and going to youth service and practice jamming with ek and tzup, i know how to find a way to slot that thingum in. Chinese New Year Holidays my foot...

SAT's
+

EE
+

World Lit
+

Rescue Diving
+
Other lil gritty bits of stuff that add up
=

Merry Poppin

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 13:27:48 GMT

And so i woke up today with my head burning like mad. Popped 2 pills and went back to sleep before waking up around 10 and heading to school as i can't afford to miss history and math lessons. Also had to pick up my SAT study guide from Sun at the same time. Lessons went on pretty well but i had to leave at about 14.40 [thankfully after the main lessons were over]. Popped another two pills. On a much brighter note i have finally completed my ee and prac, leaving me with two world lit outlines that are due before Thiru owns my butt tomorrow. I wanna go for my rescue diving course and driving course and just get away. Maybe i should pop another two pills later, the fevers still there.

[Before I run far away, I need to take a holiday]